Some ramblings about coaching
I listen intently, I ask questions to seek to understand more, I explore their thinking (internally) and with them… I’m genuinely curious (because I love to learn of other peoples stories)….
Anyone notice anything …. It was there, it was just one little letter. ‘I’… this genuine interest to help is/was fuelled by ‘I’… what I wanted/needed…
Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong… I’m trying to understand their story more than they are.., or I’m trying to understand their story more than I’m trying to help them understand it…
Don’t get me wrong, this is a genuine and valid rhythm for coaching, as it builds shared understanding, a shared language and appreciation for context. It builds connection and empathy.
But…. what happens (for me anyway)… my brain makes connections, it gets excited about the fact that its spotted a pattern, it races to build a picture. It thinks it knows what’s coming next or what the answer is… it starts to run ahead with thoughts…
Now, I’m quite good at ‘pattern recognition’ and ‘predictive thinking’. My lived experience and being neurodivergent (dyslexic in this context) helps… and it’s an attribute that can be super helpful in spotting things ahead of time, avoiding pitfalls and planning for challenge. It’s great for adaptive thinking and navigating changing contexts. But that’s good for me! Not always for the coachee!
Connecting the wrong dots
What if I’m connecting the ‘unconnected’ (rather than the ‘disconnected’). What if I’m predicting a future that’s only relevant to my past, what if the patterns I see are only patterns from my side of the room. Like that old visual illusion which looks like a rabbit to me, is a duck to you! These two things don’t even occupy the same habitat never mind habits and behaviours. Here we are in danger of guessing what’s good for others and overlaying our map of the world onto them.
As much as my brain is screaming ‘this is it’… ‘I see it’… ‘let’s tell them’, in a desire to save them pain, help them move forward, stop them hitting the hurdle head on. This is not my journey, its theirs. This is not my problem to solve, its theirs. To that end, it may not even be a problem to them, It was just a problem for me, when I experienced it. I can’t assume my past problems will be theirs, I can’t assume what helped me will help them.
One Question
So, what do we do with this overactive mind that is ‘racing ahead to advice’! One question that helps me….
‘how are they experiencing this’.
I ask myself this regularly, to slow my mind, pause my own thoughts and with it voice. I may even directly ask…
“how are you experiencing this”?
I know it’s a bit of a ‘open’ and generic question that some may struggle with, as there is no ‘one answer’ (it’s not yes or know). But if I add more to the question, I may take away from the answer and more importantly the internal processing (the stuff I don’t see), example… if I was to say…
“How does this feel for you?”
I may just get an emotional perspective and not the breadth that is possible from using the broader question.
It’s important the coachee has freedom to release everything and anything that comes to mind. There should be no predetermined filter created by the question structure. Its important the coachee gets the opportunity to process their thinking in the broadest sense. This may mean silence, which we all know can feel uncomfortable and as the time ticks it can feel like a lifetime.
Processing and what you don’t see
What is essential here is ‘the processing of thoughts’. The stuff that is happing on the inside that’s yet to be noticed and find a way to the outside. And it’s not that I as the coach need to know what’s being processed or hear all of the narrative going on for the coach. Whilst this will be helpful for my context and understanding of their lived experience, that is only helping me.
They may not even offer me a response and this is ok. It may be that there is a quiet acknowledgment regarding the value of the question, the pause and the internal debate/conversation/exploration has been for them. They may just offer up a thanks and then we move on.
By all means, follow the thread that is offered up by the coachee with questions like, ‘how is this making you feel?’ or ‘what is this making you think?” and even, what if anything would you like to do about it?’.
Again we need to accept, just knowing something is a thing may be enough. We don’t always need to act or seek action. I know that is the traditional approach coaching sessions can take, to finish with a ‘so what will you do now’. Sometimes it’s more appropriate to ask ‘do you need to do anything?’ and/or ‘what do you need from me?’.
In closing
What am I getting at here…
- Don’t make assumptions or if you do (which we will), know that’s all they are. They are your thoughts based on what you have heard from the coachee (and there is so much they won’t have said or you won’t have seen), viewed through the lens of your biography not theirs. Don’t go predicting their future from this platform
- Know that the questions you ask to deepen your understanding and appreciation of their context, are just that. They are for you! They may inadvertently help the coachee, but your time is better spent asking questions that help them think, process and notice.
- You don’t always need an action to close a session, sometimes knowing something or acknowledging something is enough. You don’t even need this played back to you. It’s their story to share as and when they desire to, for their benefit.
It’s a funny thing this coaching lark. We just want to do good and help, but when we do… we are in danger of hindering. Sometimes helping is to do nothing but pause, be silent, listen, ask…
I do want to acknowledge, that at times coaching is about challenging, providing a perspective (and that’s all it is), offering a thought, perhaps giving frameworks and thinking tools. So its not all just silences and nods, But every time we dabble in giving, we are at risk of taking away something, be that autonomy, choice or control. We are at risk of removing a barrier they need to experience, a hurdle they must climb… a lesson that will be of value in the future. And we risk misguiding! Sending people off in the wrong direction!
I (yes I) really enjoyed writing this.. made by me, not AI.
See you all soon..
Kurt
P.S If you fancy chatting about any of this, give me shout at kurt@bemorelnd.co.uk or via the contacts link.